kate

Scrimmage was awesome, took a wheel in my thigh. Looks more like ringworm or a kiss from a hooker. #derby #rollerderby (Taken with instagram)

Scrimmage shirt crafts. Phase 1: stencil. (Taken with instagram)

Kitty Christmas! (Taken with instagram)

Vinyl record store score. (Taken with instagram)

Post-meeting cuddle time! (Taken with instagram)

Gizmo fell asleep on the pillow like a little person. (Taken with instagram)

Zombie!!!

Taken with instagram

Alternate. (Taken with instagram)

I haven’t posted more than instangram pictures on here in a while, but goddammit I need to vent.

My last game of the season is the 15th and I was rostered as an alternate. It means “hey, you can still play - but only if someone gets sick/injured.” It’s a pretty big blow to the face because new players got rostered over me and I’ve been playing derby since 2008 and this is my second season on the team. I was talking to my mom a little bit ago and trying to rationalize why I’m so terrible that new people got rostered over me it really got to me and I’m trying to keep myself from crying my typing out my feelings here. Sorry if you have no idea what I’m talking about.

It’s a rough spot because on one hand I don’t want the changes to the league to affect me. I want to be challenged I want to earn my time. But on the other hand I don’t deserve a goddamn thing. I’m not a star player. I’m a fat fuck that can’t lose weight and doesn’t have the luxury called “time” to really organize a good workout routine. Because of the mass amount of new players we got there is now another talk of restructure and I think either way it happens I’m going to have a big decision to make.

I joined derby because I spent my high school years at the skating rink. I also spent my school years joining things and either quitting or not excelling or ever being “the best” at something. I haven’t quit this yet and I don’t want to but I’m never going to be good enough.

I’ve battled depression all my life and having things not turn out the way I planned doesn’t really help either. I never thought I’d be not working in my field. I was naive to think there were jobs but I guess that’s what the great AIP puts into your head. Heh, hey look at that - college. Something I started, finished though I had some rough times with an ex-boyfriend at the start, kind of excelled at at times, but still finished last.

When I heard about derby I thought this would be something awesome. Something I fit in to because it hadn’t been around (or at least mainstream) all my life and nobody else I knew was doing it so maybe this was my thing. When I started I actually had a lot of skills and I think people were viewing me as someone that would do really well. Somehow over the years my skills declined. Did I lose my nerve? Once we started actually skating on the track and not at the small end of the rink (we were trained a lot slower than current newbies are) did the endurance problems I have get to me? I think I struggled with endurance and on top of that it got to my head and it’s all still there. The problems and the mind games I play with myself.

I got put in a shitty position when I was going from fresh meat to rookie. Most of my group got teamed and I had to retake my scrimmage test. Well they decided to do a league restructure and I had to wait for the next round of meat to get ready and take the test with them. Instead of getting any training with a team as meats do now, I just came to league practices and skated around with no direction from anyone. Then I got put on a team and stuff finally started making sense and people were finally like “oh hey, try this.” I’m not blaming all my troubles on that though it sucked and didn’t make things any better.

Where do I go from here? I went from being skilled, to struggling, to being teamed, to being encouraged and getting better, stumbling a little, getting a little better to…being an alternate. Not good enough to be needed. Not having enough talent to matter. If I train really hard in the off season will anyone notice? Will it matter? Will every fucking little newbie coming up blow past me as something better? I don’t want to give up on this because life would be weird without it. I’ve met some awesome people, had some great experiences, and like being a part of something in a sense new or rejuvenating out of the vintage ashes. I have no problem and rather prefer it to become more challenging as opposed to “ok everyone get your fishnets on and have fun!” but can I do this if it comes to that? I’ve been on the league since 2008 and still seen as a piece of shit and as they say “polish a turd, it’s still a turd” so what do I do? I’ve never played a sport and don’t know how to “train.” Unfortunately this is all a voluntary thing so I have to work and can’t just dedicate my entire day to skating and working out (totally would do it if I could).

So now I have barely enough money to be comfortable, a job I hate, fat, apartment location I hate, and I suck at the one thing I love. Wonderful. Yes, I know, some people have it worse off than me but to me in my life, in my expectations of myself, I am failing immensely. And it hurts a lot.

Freaking love this time of year!! (Taken with instagram)